The Full Name Store

I've probably just been spending too much time on buses in Kensington and Chelsea, but I have of late become overwhelmed at the number of stores simply named after what I can only assume to be the owner. For example, 'Birgit Israel' and 'Frederick Aston'. They never include anything else in the title (not even an 's at the end) or give you a clue as to what they sell. Here are a few things I have learned about the phenomenon:

1. Full name stores sell pretentious things
They generally sell antiques, rugs, home furnishings you can't afford and wouldn't belong in your house anyway, and lights that wouldn't actually fit in rooms with normal height ceilings, and of course things like life-size zebra statues.

2. Full name stores come in clusters
Particularly, the east end of Fulham Road, near South Kensington tube station, the west end of New Kings Road, out of reach of people wanting to do normal shopping, and on Kensington Church Street, where they all sell antiques.

3. Nobody shops at full name shops
I pass these places all the time on foot and in buses. Not only is no one ever in them, but they are never actually open. I'm starting to think that people with such names are independently wealthy and their palatial townhomes are so full of stuff they rent a semi-prominent store front to store their excess bling, naming it after themselves so their friends will know who to be envious of. However, this theory has not been tested.

4. Not just anyone can give their name to a shop
These stores don't just sell ridiculous items, but they don't have the names of mortals. For example, there's not going to be a store called 'Katie Smith'. Oh, no. They have names like Christopher Whitefield, Alistair Jefferies, and Georgina Matthews. Essentially, the names are a bit of a mouthful, relatively common (but not too common) and somehow better sounding than your own. I'm not quite sure if this is a reflection on the people who own these shops or if people just make the names up if they want to open such a store. In the case of Birgit Israel (which actually sells clothes, but is in the thick of full name stores on Fulham Road), I'm pretty sure it's a tweaked name. Like no one is named Birgit Israel, so I assume her name is really Bridget, um, let's just say Jones!

Now, my name would not lend itself well to such a store. My first name doesn't have nearly enough syllables and as I don't want to sell drug related items, the last name will definitely have to go. I will therefore have to resort to my middle name, Elizabeth, and will have to revert to my mother's much less hippie sounding maiden name, Sanders. Only I want to pretentious it up a bit so I'm sticking in a U. So if you see an Elizabeth Saunders store on one of the aforementioned streets, please slow down to gaze in the windows with jealousy. But you can't come in, because I'll be on my yacht or otherwise detained.

Additional note: I have just realized I work for a full name company... they're clearly taking over...